just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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