The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
