I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
operation have a gay friend backfired
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
