Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Green mimosas i think yes
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
