glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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