You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
