These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
