she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
