Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
