He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
