dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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