OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
