i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
