he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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