i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
