Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
