Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
