Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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