I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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