Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
