1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
