I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
