Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
