The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
