I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
