If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
