if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
