Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
