and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
