i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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