seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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