im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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