I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
