she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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