I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
