this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
