I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
