What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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