i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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