I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
