I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
