If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize