She's JV to your varsity
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
