ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
