So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
