I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
