he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
