Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
