At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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