I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
