I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
