He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
