the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
