One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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