I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
