Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Randomize
