I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
