I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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