someone get that fucking seahorse.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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