I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize