But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dicks are not precious.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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