my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize