I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
