im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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