I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
