I am in a vortex of obligation.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
