Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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