he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
