All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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